Is It That We Hate What We Have?

I am a believe that the grass is ALWAYS greener.  Who doesn't want what they can't get/afford?  But, I don't know what I want.  So, I'm thinking another job would help take my mind off the current frustrations AND help the financial burden at home- yes?  BUT.   big.fat.but.  I seriously do not have time to be running around and doing something else- so this brings on a whole set of new problems.  Who will watch my kids?  Does paying them to watch them defeat the purpose of said second job?  Will I have new mom guilt about spending even LESS time with the cherubs?  

Oh I don't know.  And I'm STILL looking for the manual for life.  How do I navigate the flow chart?  

I think this is just what it is.  Until my kids are grown, can take care of themselves, and I can retire with the $500 million powerball winnings.  Hahaha.

White Flag.

This may be one of the hardest posts I've written.  Not because it's something awful.  Not because I've lost someone.  Not because my kids are sick.  Because life is hard.  And I'm really unhappy with the way it is right now.  Don't get me wrong.  I still don't get how the stay at home mama's do it some days.  I really think that I am meant to be a working mom.  But my kind of work involves every ounce of my undivided attention.  I'm not saying that other jobs don't- I know they do- I'm saying I can't handle splitting my time.  And for ME to admit that.... is big.  I don't admit defeat.  I'm usually dead before I give up at something.  I haven't given up yet.  But I'm very close to surrender.  

This school year is the hardest I've had yet.  The demands keep growing.  My kids need me more than I can imagine.  My school kids are challenging.  The constraints on my job are challenging.  I'm tired.  VERY tired.  I've worked with crazy people before.  I've had difficult classes before.  I've never wanted out before.  I don't know what's so different.  I really can't put my finger on it.  I do know that I don't enjoy what I'm doing right now.  I realize that about half of the working world feels that way every day.  But in some weird way, I've never had this feeling.  I consider myself lucky that for the last seven years, I WANTED to go to work most days.  I enjoyed making a difference.  Now, I feel like a robot.  I feel like everything I do is so un-genuine (yes, I know- I'm making it up as I go along).  

So.... what to do?  Who the hell knows?  What DO I want to do when I grow up?  What skills do I have?  Would I enjoy the corporate pace?  I think I would definitely enjoy the corporate paycheck.  Could I keep up?  Should I sell my house and my possessions and try to do the stay at home thing?  Should we move to South Dakota?  Okay. not there.  But somewhere crazy?  My kids are little.  Perhaps I should have done this before the were born- but now? I still have time before they to go school.  Why do I feel so lost?

Every time I confront this subject- I feel more lost.  I end with more questions then I begin.  It makes my head hurt.  a lot.  Please, PLEASE tell me there is someone out there that feels or has felt this way?  Then provide me with the answer.  Or at least some advice for working through it.  I'm so stuck in my funk- and it's not me- so I need to get out.  

Can't wait to hear some advice! 

How Do You Fit It All In?

It's back to school time...  who's overwhelmed?  I'm sure that's a yes from anyone that has children or works in a school.  It's a busy time of year- all around.  I find myself wondering how I can fit it all in and get everything done.  

I live somewhat by the mantra that something has to give.  It's either your house, or your job, or you feel like you're neglecting your kids.  At the current moment, MacKenzie has been farmed out to my mother in law.  It's not bad that she has time with other people, but of course, I feel guilty.  I feel guilty taking my kids to the babysitter (whom I love, and they love- but it still doesn't make it better).  

How do you manage to get your home cleaned, provide a meal for your family, do the laundry, work, take care of the kids, and find time to relax and enjoy the chaos around you?  I always wonder how it will work out- and I can't explain how it does, besides the fact that it does.  I know I have a lot of help that keeps me sane- and I couldn't do it without help.

It's Not What It Seems...

Being a new mom is like college all over again.  Lots of learning about each other, drinking (milk), partying all night, and certainly NOT sleeping.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about parenting and being a mom.  Everyone knows it's not easy work, but no one knows it until you LIVE it.  And as soon as you're not living it, you forget.  This mom blogger, accurately explains things that no one says about life after birth.  Props to someone who actually wrote down what everyone was thinking.  I really hate how there are 5,000 books about pregnancy and what it's like to be pregnant. 

There are so many things that I would hope someone knows when they get pregnant.  For some people, it may change their view on pregnancy, or motherhood.  Most, it wouldn't change anything, but it would make DAMN sure for those moms to know they're not alone at 3:00am when it's dark, quiet, and they're utterly exhausted.  Here are a few things I wish someone would have told me....

10 Thoughts on pregnancy and newborns:

1.  Stretch marks are awful.  And they fade, but they don't go away.

Image from: http://howtogetridof-stretchmarks.net/

 Let's be honest.  This chick has an awesome stomach- EXCEPT for those stretch marks.  Yup- just accept them as a sign of mommyhood- unless you're willing to pay to get them lasered off (which I'm totally doing after I have my 4th child and my tummy tuck and I become my size 6 self again).  It's like people who lose several hundred pounds.  No matter how hard you work, you can't get rid of that skin- and in this case, no matter how rockin' your abs are- those stretch marks are your red badge of courage.  As much as I look at my stretch marks and cringe- here's a good way of looking at it:

2.  Please don't eat for two.  Okay, maybe once in awhile eat for two- but DON'T do it every day.

 Why do people tell you that?  It's all fun and games to eat whatever you want for the ENTIRE time- until that cute cherub comes out- and you still look like there are triplets stuck inside.  Not only will people wonder why the baby sucked all of the beauty out of you- but you'll feel bad about yourself- which will lead to #6 even sooner!


3.  Your house will be messy.  Get over it.

 You're not going to be able to do it all.  Your baby should be your main priority.  If you don't have help for the house or the baby- then you shouldn't have anyone in your house to judge you either!  I promise- no one cares about the dishes, laundry, or bed being made.  You'll be grateful if your sheets are covered in pee, poop or breastmilk.  I promise a shower does a lot more for the soul than a clean house.  Paper plates are helpful- and a mom, mother in law, or neighbor (or a husband with OCD- but I wouldn't know).

4.  You will probably wear maternity clothes home from the hospital.  Yuck.

 It's so not fair that you work so hard for nine months to grow this baby, give up your body (and alcohol, caffeine, bad habits, etc.) and you go home looking less than stellar.  Best advice ever- shower as soon as you feel up to it after the birth.  It'll make YOU feel a lot better.  With both of my kids- I was in the shower within 4 hours.  It made me feel awesome.  You'll feel clean enough to sleep, and greet the 4,000 guests that you can't stand really want to see in your hotel hospital room. 

5.  Breastfeeding is NOT easy (and if it is, you are SUPER lucky!)

If you are a momma who had a great first experience with breastfeeding, you are one of the lucky ones.  As someone who has dealt with mastitis twice in the 12 weeks I breastfed my first, I know it sucks. There are some nights when you just hope and pray that Daddy, grandma, auntie, the trash mad, ANYONE would wake up and feed your baby.  When you are breastfeeding- it's not an option- even if someone does get up- you have to get up and pump- fun fun!  Like milking your own personal cow!

6.  You are bound to have one nervous breakdown in the first 10 days home (only one if you're lucky).

Just know that this is okay.  And normal.  With baby #1- it was in the doctor's office when the pediatrician asked how breastfeeding was going.  The problem was that it was absolutely awful.  And I felt like I should have known what I was doing.  So, I cried.  A lot.  And anyone that knows me knows I don't cry.  Good times.  The doctor sent me home, instructed my husband to send me to bed for a good nap, and to call the lactation consultant to help.  Thank.god.for.her.  If not- I may have been playing in traffic that evening. 


7.  I call the first three weeks the honeymoon.  After that, you're just exhausted, your help leaves and life becomes your new normal- except it's not- for you anyway.

In the beginning- everyone is there to help.  And when you first come home, your baby tricks you into thinking he/she sleeps.  Disclaimer:  Your baby hasn't really been born yet.  By the end of week 1, then you'll know more of what he/she is like.  By week 2, you'll understand that babies have NO idea what night/days are and are sure that you certainly enjoy being awake when everyone else isn't.  This is when you cry/scream/beg your baby to please.sleep.for.more.than.five.minutes.  And to please stop breaking out of that swaddle.  And to PLEASE learn how to keep that pacifier in their mouth.  Thank God for this.  Saved me SOOOOOO much heartache with #2.

8.  It's okay not to know what to do.  Or what the baby wants.

You have to take time to learn from each other.  It's like you're shoved into a new house with roommates. Sometimes, you see the grunts, looks, faces, screams, and you have NO idea what that means.  Despite the moms that swear they know on Day #3 that their baby is hungry/wet/gassy, rest assured that they have NO clue either.  They're totally lying. 


9.  Babies sometimes cry- just because.

And you can cry too. They don't know why their crying too.  Plus, since they've just made their exit from your body, they're probably hormonal too.  

10.  You will be VERY jealous of your husband- or anyone else who gets to leave the house alone for several hours- for awhile. 

I know this seems like an oxymoron.  Why would you be jealous of your husband who gets to go to WORK?  Because work involves being ALONE.  QUIET.  ADULT INTERACTION.  SHOWERING.  GETTING DRESSED.  When you go to work- chances are, you won't be pooped on.  You will be able to discuss something of importance with another adult.  You will be able to leave your home for more than a walk to the mailbox.  Yup- let's be honest.  You'll be able to PEE ALONE. 

Midweek Confessions

Make sure you visit ASHLEY and E to see their midweek confessions!

I confess:

• I have researched EVERY diet strategy over the last week when I should have been doing grad work.
• I was super excited to do something different on Tuesday (go to work!) and drop my kids off at the babysitter.
• I am secretly liking working out again.  uhoh.
• Shouldn't I be working out instead of pinning?
• I secretly love cleaning/organizing my kids' closets.
• If my body wouldn't be COMPLETELY destroyed, I'd totally consider getting pregnant again- SERIOUSLY did I just say that?!?!?  My husband will KILL me if he knew this.

•  I love pinning food that is bad for you just as much as I pin exercise quotes and workouts. 

Justified.

Saw this link today while looking around online.  Makes me feel even more validated!  But- my little psycho girl who was hitting, kicking, scratching and bed wetting last night is spending the weekend with her grandparents.  And of course, five minutes after she left I wanted her back!  Ugh.  The grass is always greener.  We had a nice lunch with my mother in law at Talula's Table in town and went to the farmer's market.  A nice way to spend a steamy hot Friday afternoon.  Miss my love bug- even if she isn't always lovey! 

How can you not miss this crazy kid?!

A little teary-eyed.

So, during my precious time alone today (also known as naptime), I spent a few minutes on pinterest (cause who doesn't love to put off the 5,000+ things they should be doing?) only to find that a friend had posted a link to this book.  That lead me to this blog.  Be sure you have a few minutes and some tissues around.  Woah.  Kudos to Matt for raising his little Madeline on his own.  But then again, what if you had no choice?  What a horrible scenario.  I'm beginning to think it's time to buy a Kindle so I can read the bazillion books on my reading list (including this one).

Although I love a good cry (those of you who know me know that I HATE to cry in front of people), I always read blogs like this and feel guilty.  I feel guilty that I have it better than others.  I feel guilty that I get caught up in the materialistic views.  I feel guilty that I don't love my kids enough.  I feel guilty that I spend more time at work than at home.  I feel guilty that I don't enjoy life enough.  Every day, I feel like I should live here, instead of here.  There's nothing bad about the big, lavish lifestyle, but I feel like I get caught in the hustle and bustle of it all. 

So- again- I'm stuck- where do we go from here?  How can I practice being grateful, not worrying about money as much, not worrying about THINGS as much?  How can I appreciate my kids more?  That.  May.  Take. Time.    I wish I were more patient!

How Do We Do It?

How do you keep moving when you're exhausted, irritable and you feel like you can't keep going? I think you just have to deal. It's so much easier said than done, but eventually the pain will life, the sleep will come and things will get done. That's the only way I know- but every once in awhile, I get this feeling-bad-for-myself cloud stuck over my head when I'm really absorbed and I feel like the only person on the planet who has tried to take on all that I do. Of course, I do realize that I have voluntarily signed up for everything I have been dealt. I agree to be a working mom, to take on extra responsibilities at work, to have two beautiful kids (even if one doesn't sleep!) and try to keep the homes you see in magazines. Unfortunately, the last usually drops of the priority list along with sleep, but you see the point. Some days, you just don't.know.how.to.start.

So, today was definitely one of those days. Our school has had state tests for the last two weeks, and finished with report cards and conferences this week. To end the week, our team held a read-a-thon sleep over for the one hundred fifth graders we teach (yes, you read right- 100!) It was awesome, but required so much planning and time I think my husband wants to kill me. I'm also on the negotiations committee for our current employment contract and the meetings are long and mentally straining. After getting about 5 hours of sleep on Friday night (on a deflated air matress) I came home at 9:00 on Saturday morning to two bouncy-kids who were ready to run a marathon! All I wanted to do was crawl under the covers. I was okay mentally, but physically, I was dying for a few more hours of shut eye. Thankfully, my mother in law forced me to sleep for one additional hour before we prepared to drive an hour and half to a baby shower. I usually love family events and fun, but yesterday, it was everything I could do to keep my eyes open. I felt like I was being rude, no matter how hard I tried not to. I left and kept my eyes on the road during the commute home and crashed and burned by 8:30 last night.

I begged Mason to sleep- even if only for four hours in row, but somehow, he found a way to wake up at 11:00, 1:30, 3:00 and 5:30. Good times. I know babies are babies. I know the mommies with teenagers (or even older children) will tell you to cherish those moments- but when you're tired, you're bitter, and annoyed. I felt frustrated. With myself, with my baby, with my craptastic job of being a good mom. How do you sit a chair and rock at 3:00 am when you're beyond exhausted and soak in those moments? So, I awoke (barely) this morning to feeling hungover, annoyed and stressed out. My agenda included lesson plans, grocery shopping, cleaning out closets and maybe a walk. I have accomplished none of that. Thankfully, my mom agreed to take my duo for an hour and I got a massage. Hell yes! I do feel better- a lot actually, because right before I left, I was reading one of my favorite blogs, Momastery. Glennon asked her Monkies to read a post. Ya know how you read posts like this and automatically feel like a jerk? Yes- I do. But then I realized that I'm not a jerk, because I am lucky. I just need to take time in my hectic, self-imposed schedule to smell the roses. I am lucky I am alive. I am lucky to have two kids. I am lucky they are healthy. I am lucky to have a job. I am lucky to have a husband. I am lucky to have a house. I am lucky I can do what I want and choose to create a busy schedule for myself. So even though I feel overwhelmed, I need to remember how lucky I am.

We are all so lucky.

Camden Aquarium

Today, we took the kids to the Camden Aquarium! (well, really Mackenzie since Mason just slept the ENTIRE time!)

We had a great time- saw lots of fish, sharks, penguins, seals, and Mackenzie even touched a stingray! :)




My in laws live near there, so we met them for dinner. A great day!

Happy Birthday Fig!

Happy birthday to the crazy, fun loving, best daddy and husband out there!

P.S. Your wife is the best for hooking you up with this Sweeet Flyers winter classic jersey! :)

Love you!