White Flag.

This may be one of the hardest posts I've written.  Not because it's something awful.  Not because I've lost someone.  Not because my kids are sick.  Because life is hard.  And I'm really unhappy with the way it is right now.  Don't get me wrong.  I still don't get how the stay at home mama's do it some days.  I really think that I am meant to be a working mom.  But my kind of work involves every ounce of my undivided attention.  I'm not saying that other jobs don't- I know they do- I'm saying I can't handle splitting my time.  And for ME to admit that.... is big.  I don't admit defeat.  I'm usually dead before I give up at something.  I haven't given up yet.  But I'm very close to surrender.  

This school year is the hardest I've had yet.  The demands keep growing.  My kids need me more than I can imagine.  My school kids are challenging.  The constraints on my job are challenging.  I'm tired.  VERY tired.  I've worked with crazy people before.  I've had difficult classes before.  I've never wanted out before.  I don't know what's so different.  I really can't put my finger on it.  I do know that I don't enjoy what I'm doing right now.  I realize that about half of the working world feels that way every day.  But in some weird way, I've never had this feeling.  I consider myself lucky that for the last seven years, I WANTED to go to work most days.  I enjoyed making a difference.  Now, I feel like a robot.  I feel like everything I do is so un-genuine (yes, I know- I'm making it up as I go along).  

So.... what to do?  Who the hell knows?  What DO I want to do when I grow up?  What skills do I have?  Would I enjoy the corporate pace?  I think I would definitely enjoy the corporate paycheck.  Could I keep up?  Should I sell my house and my possessions and try to do the stay at home thing?  Should we move to South Dakota?  Okay. not there.  But somewhere crazy?  My kids are little.  Perhaps I should have done this before the were born- but now? I still have time before they to go school.  Why do I feel so lost?

Every time I confront this subject- I feel more lost.  I end with more questions then I begin.  It makes my head hurt.  a lot.  Please, PLEASE tell me there is someone out there that feels or has felt this way?  Then provide me with the answer.  Or at least some advice for working through it.  I'm so stuck in my funk- and it's not me- so I need to get out.  

Can't wait to hear some advice! 

One Week Down...

The first week of school is FINISHED!  Okay, so it was only four days, and next week is only four days, but every day counts!  This year should be interesting.  Last year, I had the dream class.  I had a couple of slacker kids and one kid I really couldn't connect with, but this year, there are LOTS of behaviors.  Not all of them are bad, but I'm not sure how they mesh together.  Looks like I'm going to spend the better part of the weekend trying to devise a decent seating chart. 

Anyway- school aside, it's been tough to get back in the routine.  Monday, Eric was home with the kids for the day, which hasn't happened all summer.  I did get home late since it was the first day (6:30ish).  That has happened several times for me- that he'd leave early and get home late.  When I came home, he looked like he was ready to jump off the nearest bridge.  As much as I was not prepared to swoop in and take over right away, at least it's good for him to get it.   Parenting is hard.  Very rewarding, but hard.  I was secretly satisfied that he remembered that it's not all fairytales and cupcakes.  I'm the first person to admit that I'm a better mom because I work.  I appreciate, love and spend more time with my kids because I work.  The rest of the week, Eric was working a ton, to prepare to take the weekend off.  I was on duty by myself.  Yuck.  It's not fun. 

All of this has made eating right very hard.  I went to NYC last weekend for a bachelorette party, and gained a few lbs (I'm sure also in water weight).  By Tuesday, I also had a cold.  This doesn't help.   I got my act together and went for a run on Wednesday.  I had a weird clicking in my foot.  I made it to the podiatrist this afternoon and I officially have a bone spur.  No high-impact exercise for 7-10 days.  NOOOOOOO.  I'm taking the anti-inflammatory, so maybe it won't be quite so long.  We'll see how we can manage with the weight-loss.  Slow going around here!  :(

We are headed to Avalon this weekend for the un-official end of summer.  Bummer.  Where did the summer go?  I am excited to spend a nice, four-day weekend with my family- even if it is crazy and chaotic!

How Do You Fit It All In?

It's back to school time...  who's overwhelmed?  I'm sure that's a yes from anyone that has children or works in a school.  It's a busy time of year- all around.  I find myself wondering how I can fit it all in and get everything done.  

I live somewhat by the mantra that something has to give.  It's either your house, or your job, or you feel like you're neglecting your kids.  At the current moment, MacKenzie has been farmed out to my mother in law.  It's not bad that she has time with other people, but of course, I feel guilty.  I feel guilty taking my kids to the babysitter (whom I love, and they love- but it still doesn't make it better).  

How do you manage to get your home cleaned, provide a meal for your family, do the laundry, work, take care of the kids, and find time to relax and enjoy the chaos around you?  I always wonder how it will work out- and I can't explain how it does, besides the fact that it does.  I know I have a lot of help that keeps me sane- and I couldn't do it without help.

Girls Night.

Still in my jammies after girls night at my sister's house last night.  She hosted a Stella and Dot party and it was fun!  I made Sangria and brought healthy snacks and we just enjoyed our time together.  It's so funny how it's usually an eclectic mix, and it always works!  I'm just mad I didn't take any pictures.  I even liked the way I looked!  Bummer.

Still working on my diet.  Since I didn't get home until 11:30ish, I watched Nightline after the news was over, and listened, I think for the second time (unless I had de ja vu) about this program called Diet Rehab.  I really don't want to buy the book, but I like the notion that it takes 28 days to make (or break) a habit.  That's how long your brain needs to forget how absolutely amazing that cookie tastes.  It's also how long you need until your brain ENJOYS eating those healthy foods (I feel like I may need MORE than 28 days for veggies).

I just want to fit in my clothes and not worry about my muffin top.  So jealous of those moms without muffin tops.  So jealous.

Tired

I've been feeling tired lately.  I use a Fitbit, which is a digital pedometer.  They also have awesome customer service and replaced my fitbit when I broke it.  That's my sales plug!  :)  Anyway, it has a sleep tracker function that detects motion and senses your sleep.  I used it last night because I haven't in awhile, and I wondered how the sleeping thing was going.  Enter this nightmare:

Awful, awful picture of sleep.

So, I guess this explains why I'm tired?  I know, I know, I have an infant.  Who is teething.  But HE SLEPT LAST NIGHT!  This is me, trying to get some sleep, without any babies in my bed.  Without anyone crying in the middle of the night.  Without an alarm.  Without any nonsense.  Seriously?  8 hours in bed and 4 hours of sleep?!?!  That's awful.  I need to find a way to improve.  No wonder I'm not losing weight quickly.  You need sleep to have an effective metabolic rate.  Wow,  I just sounded really smart.  I don't really know much more than the fact that sleep does wonders for losing weight.  And I am not sleeping.  Damnit.  Time to find me some sleep aids.  Perhaps more wine at night? 

The Reason I Don't Have My Make It Monday Post Finished...

is because of this. 

It's 10:30 and she's now doing this.   Still not sleeping but it's better than screaming.  I wish Daddy was home tonight :(

Hope the sleep Gods are kind to me tonight.  :)

On the plus side (or the minus), the scale is back on the downward spiral.  Buh-bye fat clothes.  Hello fit and trim Mommy!  (I refuse to say bikini- because with the way my stomach looks, I don't know if I'll wear one every again without some special man-made intervention).

Nighty night (I hope!) 

But soon- you will see my Make it Monday all finished- it has something to do with this! 

It's Not What It Seems...

Being a new mom is like college all over again.  Lots of learning about each other, drinking (milk), partying all night, and certainly NOT sleeping.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about parenting and being a mom.  Everyone knows it's not easy work, but no one knows it until you LIVE it.  And as soon as you're not living it, you forget.  This mom blogger, accurately explains things that no one says about life after birth.  Props to someone who actually wrote down what everyone was thinking.  I really hate how there are 5,000 books about pregnancy and what it's like to be pregnant. 

There are so many things that I would hope someone knows when they get pregnant.  For some people, it may change their view on pregnancy, or motherhood.  Most, it wouldn't change anything, but it would make DAMN sure for those moms to know they're not alone at 3:00am when it's dark, quiet, and they're utterly exhausted.  Here are a few things I wish someone would have told me....

10 Thoughts on pregnancy and newborns:

1.  Stretch marks are awful.  And they fade, but they don't go away.

Image from: http://howtogetridof-stretchmarks.net/

 Let's be honest.  This chick has an awesome stomach- EXCEPT for those stretch marks.  Yup- just accept them as a sign of mommyhood- unless you're willing to pay to get them lasered off (which I'm totally doing after I have my 4th child and my tummy tuck and I become my size 6 self again).  It's like people who lose several hundred pounds.  No matter how hard you work, you can't get rid of that skin- and in this case, no matter how rockin' your abs are- those stretch marks are your red badge of courage.  As much as I look at my stretch marks and cringe- here's a good way of looking at it:

2.  Please don't eat for two.  Okay, maybe once in awhile eat for two- but DON'T do it every day.

 Why do people tell you that?  It's all fun and games to eat whatever you want for the ENTIRE time- until that cute cherub comes out- and you still look like there are triplets stuck inside.  Not only will people wonder why the baby sucked all of the beauty out of you- but you'll feel bad about yourself- which will lead to #6 even sooner!


3.  Your house will be messy.  Get over it.

 You're not going to be able to do it all.  Your baby should be your main priority.  If you don't have help for the house or the baby- then you shouldn't have anyone in your house to judge you either!  I promise- no one cares about the dishes, laundry, or bed being made.  You'll be grateful if your sheets are covered in pee, poop or breastmilk.  I promise a shower does a lot more for the soul than a clean house.  Paper plates are helpful- and a mom, mother in law, or neighbor (or a husband with OCD- but I wouldn't know).

4.  You will probably wear maternity clothes home from the hospital.  Yuck.

 It's so not fair that you work so hard for nine months to grow this baby, give up your body (and alcohol, caffeine, bad habits, etc.) and you go home looking less than stellar.  Best advice ever- shower as soon as you feel up to it after the birth.  It'll make YOU feel a lot better.  With both of my kids- I was in the shower within 4 hours.  It made me feel awesome.  You'll feel clean enough to sleep, and greet the 4,000 guests that you can't stand really want to see in your hotel hospital room. 

5.  Breastfeeding is NOT easy (and if it is, you are SUPER lucky!)

If you are a momma who had a great first experience with breastfeeding, you are one of the lucky ones.  As someone who has dealt with mastitis twice in the 12 weeks I breastfed my first, I know it sucks. There are some nights when you just hope and pray that Daddy, grandma, auntie, the trash mad, ANYONE would wake up and feed your baby.  When you are breastfeeding- it's not an option- even if someone does get up- you have to get up and pump- fun fun!  Like milking your own personal cow!

6.  You are bound to have one nervous breakdown in the first 10 days home (only one if you're lucky).

Just know that this is okay.  And normal.  With baby #1- it was in the doctor's office when the pediatrician asked how breastfeeding was going.  The problem was that it was absolutely awful.  And I felt like I should have known what I was doing.  So, I cried.  A lot.  And anyone that knows me knows I don't cry.  Good times.  The doctor sent me home, instructed my husband to send me to bed for a good nap, and to call the lactation consultant to help.  Thank.god.for.her.  If not- I may have been playing in traffic that evening. 


7.  I call the first three weeks the honeymoon.  After that, you're just exhausted, your help leaves and life becomes your new normal- except it's not- for you anyway.

In the beginning- everyone is there to help.  And when you first come home, your baby tricks you into thinking he/she sleeps.  Disclaimer:  Your baby hasn't really been born yet.  By the end of week 1, then you'll know more of what he/she is like.  By week 2, you'll understand that babies have NO idea what night/days are and are sure that you certainly enjoy being awake when everyone else isn't.  This is when you cry/scream/beg your baby to please.sleep.for.more.than.five.minutes.  And to please stop breaking out of that swaddle.  And to PLEASE learn how to keep that pacifier in their mouth.  Thank God for this.  Saved me SOOOOOO much heartache with #2.

8.  It's okay not to know what to do.  Or what the baby wants.

You have to take time to learn from each other.  It's like you're shoved into a new house with roommates. Sometimes, you see the grunts, looks, faces, screams, and you have NO idea what that means.  Despite the moms that swear they know on Day #3 that their baby is hungry/wet/gassy, rest assured that they have NO clue either.  They're totally lying. 


9.  Babies sometimes cry- just because.

And you can cry too. They don't know why their crying too.  Plus, since they've just made their exit from your body, they're probably hormonal too.  

10.  You will be VERY jealous of your husband- or anyone else who gets to leave the house alone for several hours- for awhile. 

I know this seems like an oxymoron.  Why would you be jealous of your husband who gets to go to WORK?  Because work involves being ALONE.  QUIET.  ADULT INTERACTION.  SHOWERING.  GETTING DRESSED.  When you go to work- chances are, you won't be pooped on.  You will be able to discuss something of importance with another adult.  You will be able to leave your home for more than a walk to the mailbox.  Yup- let's be honest.  You'll be able to PEE ALONE. 

Midweek Confessions

Make sure you visit ASHLEY and E to see their midweek confessions!

I confess:

• I have researched EVERY diet strategy over the last week when I should have been doing grad work.
• I was super excited to do something different on Tuesday (go to work!) and drop my kids off at the babysitter.
• I am secretly liking working out again.  uhoh.
• Shouldn't I be working out instead of pinning?
• I secretly love cleaning/organizing my kids' closets.
• If my body wouldn't be COMPLETELY destroyed, I'd totally consider getting pregnant again- SERIOUSLY did I just say that?!?!?  My husband will KILL me if he knew this.

•  I love pinning food that is bad for you just as much as I pin exercise quotes and workouts. 

Birthday Let Down

Yay!  Happy and Hot!!!

Is it too much to want your house immaculate on your birthday?
Is it too much to want your kids to stop whining on your birthday?
Is it too much to want your husband to be home on your birthday (so he can watch the kids)?
Is is too much to want it to only be 90* instead of 105* on your birthday?
Is it too much to want to be skinny on your birthday?

I'm feeling like a selfish brat today.  Yes, I have some very nice new gifts, on which I'll post later (when I'm not being a drama queen) but I feel like complaining, and then having someone watch my kids for the rest of the day so I can clean, exercise and get a mani/pedi.  Seriously, is that what my life has come to?  Yuck. 

Time to get over it (or get under my caloric intake).

Losing it.

Funny how this title accurately describes how I feel tonight, yet only makes me think of this book.

photo courtsey of amazon.com

I loved reading it.  I never thought I would have anything in common with Valerie Bertinelli, but I guess so!  Tonight- I thought I was going to lose it.  I had a great morning- Mason woke up early, I fed him and he went back down.  Mackenzie slept until 10:30!  I got tons of work done.

For lunch, we went to one of my student's houses.  As I got ready, Mackenzie mentioned that she wanted to stay in Mason's crib to play with him.  I indulged her.  How wrong.

That would be my sweet little Mason's face.

Seriously- before you call CYF- PLEASE LISTEN!  I didn't do it!  I was in the bathroom trying to apply deodorant (did I ever finish doing that?) and I heard Mason scream.  I turned the corner into his room to see MacKenzie smacking the crap out of him.  Yikes!  I went and grabbed him, and I found them.  Poor baby.  He sobbed for a good ten minutes.  It was like the devil arrived.  So- needless to say, we were a few minutes late to lunch.

Lunch went well for the most part.  Mackenzie was shy and didn't want to play with the other kids- but eh.  Whatever.  At least she didn't kill anyone!  When we got home, it was far past nap.  I couldn't stop thinking about how said Mom and I discussed how hard it is to have kids and raise them right (she obviously has a lot more experience- 4 girls- oy vey!).  Everyone always discusses how hard it would be to be pregnant, how much weight you gain, labor, birth, etc. but never really how hard it is AFTER the baby is born.

I honestly don't know if I ever really suffered with post partum depression, but I was never diagnosed.  Diagnosed with anything or not- it's still hard.  Some days, you are just DONE.  Over.  Cooked.  Exhausted.  Crazy.  Mental.  Psychotic.  Whatever you want to call it.

so true!

Trying to keep things in perspective is hard.  Trying to remember that every day will not be your smiling, skinny self holding an adorable baby or toddler, sipping Crystal Light and strolling through the garden to pick your veggies for dinner.   Sometimes, you are just. done.

I love that this image is from thejoyfulmotherclub.com

And that's okay! Thank GOD for social media- I vent.  Especially when I feel alone.  Or especially when I feel like my husband doesn't get it.  And thank god for this, and this, and this and this and this and this.  Even though those moms don't even know me- they keep me sane.  Reading and writing proves that I'm not the only one!  Then, you need a blog to make you laugh.  Like this one.  Lord knows I know a lot about teaching, but not much about clothes.  Thanks to my sister- I can laugh AND learn!    I don't know if I would be human if I didn't talk about it.  Okay, I would be human, but I may look like this:

Yes- I'm not a chef.