I Made It.

through the longest week in history.  I'm not sure why it was so long.  But it felt like a month.  It's Friday.  And I WILL celebrate tonight. 

15 more school days until Christmas break.  ohmygod that's not soon enough!

In other news- I am running for Mom of the Year with my creative Elf on the Shelf ideas.  Will have to do a post on that.  In all of my free time!  :)

White Flag.

This may be one of the hardest posts I've written.  Not because it's something awful.  Not because I've lost someone.  Not because my kids are sick.  Because life is hard.  And I'm really unhappy with the way it is right now.  Don't get me wrong.  I still don't get how the stay at home mama's do it some days.  I really think that I am meant to be a working mom.  But my kind of work involves every ounce of my undivided attention.  I'm not saying that other jobs don't- I know they do- I'm saying I can't handle splitting my time.  And for ME to admit that.... is big.  I don't admit defeat.  I'm usually dead before I give up at something.  I haven't given up yet.  But I'm very close to surrender.  

This school year is the hardest I've had yet.  The demands keep growing.  My kids need me more than I can imagine.  My school kids are challenging.  The constraints on my job are challenging.  I'm tired.  VERY tired.  I've worked with crazy people before.  I've had difficult classes before.  I've never wanted out before.  I don't know what's so different.  I really can't put my finger on it.  I do know that I don't enjoy what I'm doing right now.  I realize that about half of the working world feels that way every day.  But in some weird way, I've never had this feeling.  I consider myself lucky that for the last seven years, I WANTED to go to work most days.  I enjoyed making a difference.  Now, I feel like a robot.  I feel like everything I do is so un-genuine (yes, I know- I'm making it up as I go along).  

So.... what to do?  Who the hell knows?  What DO I want to do when I grow up?  What skills do I have?  Would I enjoy the corporate pace?  I think I would definitely enjoy the corporate paycheck.  Could I keep up?  Should I sell my house and my possessions and try to do the stay at home thing?  Should we move to South Dakota?  Okay. not there.  But somewhere crazy?  My kids are little.  Perhaps I should have done this before the were born- but now? I still have time before they to go school.  Why do I feel so lost?

Every time I confront this subject- I feel more lost.  I end with more questions then I begin.  It makes my head hurt.  a lot.  Please, PLEASE tell me there is someone out there that feels or has felt this way?  Then provide me with the answer.  Or at least some advice for working through it.  I'm so stuck in my funk- and it's not me- so I need to get out.  

Can't wait to hear some advice! 

One Week Down...

The first week of school is FINISHED!  Okay, so it was only four days, and next week is only four days, but every day counts!  This year should be interesting.  Last year, I had the dream class.  I had a couple of slacker kids and one kid I really couldn't connect with, but this year, there are LOTS of behaviors.  Not all of them are bad, but I'm not sure how they mesh together.  Looks like I'm going to spend the better part of the weekend trying to devise a decent seating chart. 

Anyway- school aside, it's been tough to get back in the routine.  Monday, Eric was home with the kids for the day, which hasn't happened all summer.  I did get home late since it was the first day (6:30ish).  That has happened several times for me- that he'd leave early and get home late.  When I came home, he looked like he was ready to jump off the nearest bridge.  As much as I was not prepared to swoop in and take over right away, at least it's good for him to get it.   Parenting is hard.  Very rewarding, but hard.  I was secretly satisfied that he remembered that it's not all fairytales and cupcakes.  I'm the first person to admit that I'm a better mom because I work.  I appreciate, love and spend more time with my kids because I work.  The rest of the week, Eric was working a ton, to prepare to take the weekend off.  I was on duty by myself.  Yuck.  It's not fun. 

All of this has made eating right very hard.  I went to NYC last weekend for a bachelorette party, and gained a few lbs (I'm sure also in water weight).  By Tuesday, I also had a cold.  This doesn't help.   I got my act together and went for a run on Wednesday.  I had a weird clicking in my foot.  I made it to the podiatrist this afternoon and I officially have a bone spur.  No high-impact exercise for 7-10 days.  NOOOOOOO.  I'm taking the anti-inflammatory, so maybe it won't be quite so long.  We'll see how we can manage with the weight-loss.  Slow going around here!  :(

We are headed to Avalon this weekend for the un-official end of summer.  Bummer.  Where did the summer go?  I am excited to spend a nice, four-day weekend with my family- even if it is crazy and chaotic!

How Do You Fit It All In?

It's back to school time...  who's overwhelmed?  I'm sure that's a yes from anyone that has children or works in a school.  It's a busy time of year- all around.  I find myself wondering how I can fit it all in and get everything done.  

I live somewhat by the mantra that something has to give.  It's either your house, or your job, or you feel like you're neglecting your kids.  At the current moment, MacKenzie has been farmed out to my mother in law.  It's not bad that she has time with other people, but of course, I feel guilty.  I feel guilty taking my kids to the babysitter (whom I love, and they love- but it still doesn't make it better).  

How do you manage to get your home cleaned, provide a meal for your family, do the laundry, work, take care of the kids, and find time to relax and enjoy the chaos around you?  I always wonder how it will work out- and I can't explain how it does, besides the fact that it does.  I know I have a lot of help that keeps me sane- and I couldn't do it without help.

Midweek Confessions

Make sure you visit ASHLEY and E to see their midweek confessions!

I confess:

• I have researched EVERY diet strategy over the last week when I should have been doing grad work.
• I was super excited to do something different on Tuesday (go to work!) and drop my kids off at the babysitter.
• I am secretly liking working out again.  uhoh.
• Shouldn't I be working out instead of pinning?
• I secretly love cleaning/organizing my kids' closets.
• If my body wouldn't be COMPLETELY destroyed, I'd totally consider getting pregnant again- SERIOUSLY did I just say that?!?!?  My husband will KILL me if he knew this.

•  I love pinning food that is bad for you just as much as I pin exercise quotes and workouts. 

Worthwhile

Sometimes we get caught up in the drama.  and the MONEY.  and the time.  and EVERYTHING.  sometimes it's okay to get caught up.  But every now and then, you need someone who brings you back.  Tonight was that night.  

Our teacher contract ends in my district on Saturday, and we'll begin working "status quo."  Not much will change, but hopefully things don't start getting ugly.  I don't want to work the contract.  I don't want to hurt the kids.  I don't want to not do work at home.  But, I want to make sure that my family is taken care of and that I don't need to take on multiple jobs for the rest of my life.  I've gotten wrapped up in that ugliness.  On both sides.  But why are we here?  

We are here to teach.  We are here for the KIDS.  We are here because we love to watch the a-ha moments and help them through the pain.  We love to parent- even when it's hard.  even when they're NOT OUR KIDS.  Because- they're all our kids.  They are our future.  

So I went for a run at 9:00 tonight.  My kids were in bed and I was feeling fat.  I decided to run and lose my mind for a half hour.  About a mile and a half in- I heard a tall middle schooler yelling my name.  Because I live in the district I work, this is not uncommon.  There are a few students in my neighborhood- but I chose not to teach those kids.  I thought they were saying hello- until I realized it was him.  The student who struggled ALL YEAR.  He came from a seemingly perfect neighborhood.  Until I saw in the newspaper that his father was in jail.  for a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE crime.  Boy's behavior was BAAAD, and he was giving his poor mother a run for her money- when she was trying to hold it together- inside AND out.  

So- since this situation is not in the "how to be a good teacher" handbook- I did what I thought was best.  I gave him tough love.  A LOT OF IT.  He hated me for awhile.  But that's okay.  I knew I was doing what was right. 

He ended the year on a good note.  Dad was sentenced and away in prison.  Mom said that things improved when I talked to her at the end of last summer.  And time passed.  When Boy told me his mom was inside my neighbor's house, I told him to tell her I said hello.  He texted her and she came running out.  "Some people have that one person in their life that changed them.  You are that person to my son.  Thank you for saving him."  What?  Seriously?  I had NO idea.  She raved about what a fabulous sixth grade year he's had thanks to me.  She went on and on about how much I loved and helped him through the most trying experience of his life.  

I was on cloud nine.  or ten if there was one.  How sweet!  All too often in every business we only hear the bad.  In education, we see more success than other jobs, but it's hard to let go of some kids and not see their outcome.  This mom made a decision to tell me what I difference I had made in her son's life.  Amazing.  Simply amazing.  I cannot believe what a profound difference we make everyday- without even knowing it.  Makes me feel like all of my frustration and work is worth it.  Even when I want to shake them and hug them at the same time.  Even when I want to give them the answers- but can't.  Even when I lose sleep over them at night.  It. Is. Worth. Every. Minute.  

So- thank you S- for finding me tonight.  And picking my tired soul off the ground and giving me wings to fly again.  Another year in the books- and many more ahead.