White Flag.

This may be one of the hardest posts I've written.  Not because it's something awful.  Not because I've lost someone.  Not because my kids are sick.  Because life is hard.  And I'm really unhappy with the way it is right now.  Don't get me wrong.  I still don't get how the stay at home mama's do it some days.  I really think that I am meant to be a working mom.  But my kind of work involves every ounce of my undivided attention.  I'm not saying that other jobs don't- I know they do- I'm saying I can't handle splitting my time.  And for ME to admit that.... is big.  I don't admit defeat.  I'm usually dead before I give up at something.  I haven't given up yet.  But I'm very close to surrender.  

This school year is the hardest I've had yet.  The demands keep growing.  My kids need me more than I can imagine.  My school kids are challenging.  The constraints on my job are challenging.  I'm tired.  VERY tired.  I've worked with crazy people before.  I've had difficult classes before.  I've never wanted out before.  I don't know what's so different.  I really can't put my finger on it.  I do know that I don't enjoy what I'm doing right now.  I realize that about half of the working world feels that way every day.  But in some weird way, I've never had this feeling.  I consider myself lucky that for the last seven years, I WANTED to go to work most days.  I enjoyed making a difference.  Now, I feel like a robot.  I feel like everything I do is so un-genuine (yes, I know- I'm making it up as I go along).  

So.... what to do?  Who the hell knows?  What DO I want to do when I grow up?  What skills do I have?  Would I enjoy the corporate pace?  I think I would definitely enjoy the corporate paycheck.  Could I keep up?  Should I sell my house and my possessions and try to do the stay at home thing?  Should we move to South Dakota?  Okay. not there.  But somewhere crazy?  My kids are little.  Perhaps I should have done this before the were born- but now? I still have time before they to go school.  Why do I feel so lost?

Every time I confront this subject- I feel more lost.  I end with more questions then I begin.  It makes my head hurt.  a lot.  Please, PLEASE tell me there is someone out there that feels or has felt this way?  Then provide me with the answer.  Or at least some advice for working through it.  I'm so stuck in my funk- and it's not me- so I need to get out.  

Can't wait to hear some advice! 

One Week Down...

The first week of school is FINISHED!  Okay, so it was only four days, and next week is only four days, but every day counts!  This year should be interesting.  Last year, I had the dream class.  I had a couple of slacker kids and one kid I really couldn't connect with, but this year, there are LOTS of behaviors.  Not all of them are bad, but I'm not sure how they mesh together.  Looks like I'm going to spend the better part of the weekend trying to devise a decent seating chart. 

Anyway- school aside, it's been tough to get back in the routine.  Monday, Eric was home with the kids for the day, which hasn't happened all summer.  I did get home late since it was the first day (6:30ish).  That has happened several times for me- that he'd leave early and get home late.  When I came home, he looked like he was ready to jump off the nearest bridge.  As much as I was not prepared to swoop in and take over right away, at least it's good for him to get it.   Parenting is hard.  Very rewarding, but hard.  I was secretly satisfied that he remembered that it's not all fairytales and cupcakes.  I'm the first person to admit that I'm a better mom because I work.  I appreciate, love and spend more time with my kids because I work.  The rest of the week, Eric was working a ton, to prepare to take the weekend off.  I was on duty by myself.  Yuck.  It's not fun. 

All of this has made eating right very hard.  I went to NYC last weekend for a bachelorette party, and gained a few lbs (I'm sure also in water weight).  By Tuesday, I also had a cold.  This doesn't help.   I got my act together and went for a run on Wednesday.  I had a weird clicking in my foot.  I made it to the podiatrist this afternoon and I officially have a bone spur.  No high-impact exercise for 7-10 days.  NOOOOOOO.  I'm taking the anti-inflammatory, so maybe it won't be quite so long.  We'll see how we can manage with the weight-loss.  Slow going around here!  :(

We are headed to Avalon this weekend for the un-official end of summer.  Bummer.  Where did the summer go?  I am excited to spend a nice, four-day weekend with my family- even if it is crazy and chaotic!

How Do You Fit It All In?

It's back to school time...  who's overwhelmed?  I'm sure that's a yes from anyone that has children or works in a school.  It's a busy time of year- all around.  I find myself wondering how I can fit it all in and get everything done.  

I live somewhat by the mantra that something has to give.  It's either your house, or your job, or you feel like you're neglecting your kids.  At the current moment, MacKenzie has been farmed out to my mother in law.  It's not bad that she has time with other people, but of course, I feel guilty.  I feel guilty taking my kids to the babysitter (whom I love, and they love- but it still doesn't make it better).  

How do you manage to get your home cleaned, provide a meal for your family, do the laundry, work, take care of the kids, and find time to relax and enjoy the chaos around you?  I always wonder how it will work out- and I can't explain how it does, besides the fact that it does.  I know I have a lot of help that keeps me sane- and I couldn't do it without help.

I want... I want... I want...

and I'm probably not going to get it.  And even as kids... we sometimes learn the hard way.  I REALLY want this house.  

I know- awesome, right?

It does like perfect and nice- I promise you it's NOT.  But, even though the current owners smoke in it, do not take care of it, and it needs work, I know it's the perfect place to settle with my family.   The price tag is modest for a house of this size with 5 (YES, FIVE) bedrooms.  But it's a little.little.little bit out of our reach.  The monthly payments are probably not going to be the problem.  It's the fact that we need serious cash for closing costs and some initial repairs (who doesn't have working kitchen appliances and can still live in a house?!).  We don't have lots of liquid cash.  We aren't really prepared to move, which means we were squirreling money away (even though we should be).  So, maybe this is the kick in the pants we need to start preparing.  For another house (insert whining and tears here). 

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, right?  Try telling that to a mom who probably wasn't told no enough.  Or my two year old.  Ugh.

Girls Night.

Still in my jammies after girls night at my sister's house last night.  She hosted a Stella and Dot party and it was fun!  I made Sangria and brought healthy snacks and we just enjoyed our time together.  It's so funny how it's usually an eclectic mix, and it always works!  I'm just mad I didn't take any pictures.  I even liked the way I looked!  Bummer.

Still working on my diet.  Since I didn't get home until 11:30ish, I watched Nightline after the news was over, and listened, I think for the second time (unless I had de ja vu) about this program called Diet Rehab.  I really don't want to buy the book, but I like the notion that it takes 28 days to make (or break) a habit.  That's how long your brain needs to forget how absolutely amazing that cookie tastes.  It's also how long you need until your brain ENJOYS eating those healthy foods (I feel like I may need MORE than 28 days for veggies).

I just want to fit in my clothes and not worry about my muffin top.  So jealous of those moms without muffin tops.  So jealous.

Tired

I've been feeling tired lately.  I use a Fitbit, which is a digital pedometer.  They also have awesome customer service and replaced my fitbit when I broke it.  That's my sales plug!  :)  Anyway, it has a sleep tracker function that detects motion and senses your sleep.  I used it last night because I haven't in awhile, and I wondered how the sleeping thing was going.  Enter this nightmare:

Awful, awful picture of sleep.

So, I guess this explains why I'm tired?  I know, I know, I have an infant.  Who is teething.  But HE SLEPT LAST NIGHT!  This is me, trying to get some sleep, without any babies in my bed.  Without anyone crying in the middle of the night.  Without an alarm.  Without any nonsense.  Seriously?  8 hours in bed and 4 hours of sleep?!?!  That's awful.  I need to find a way to improve.  No wonder I'm not losing weight quickly.  You need sleep to have an effective metabolic rate.  Wow,  I just sounded really smart.  I don't really know much more than the fact that sleep does wonders for losing weight.  And I am not sleeping.  Damnit.  Time to find me some sleep aids.  Perhaps more wine at night? 

The Reason I Don't Have My Make It Monday Post Finished...

is because of this. 

It's 10:30 and she's now doing this.   Still not sleeping but it's better than screaming.  I wish Daddy was home tonight :(

Hope the sleep Gods are kind to me tonight.  :)

On the plus side (or the minus), the scale is back on the downward spiral.  Buh-bye fat clothes.  Hello fit and trim Mommy!  (I refuse to say bikini- because with the way my stomach looks, I don't know if I'll wear one every again without some special man-made intervention).

Nighty night (I hope!) 

But soon- you will see my Make it Monday all finished- it has something to do with this!