This may be one of the hardest posts I've written. Not because it's something awful. Not because I've lost someone. Not because my kids are sick. Because life is hard. And I'm really unhappy with the way it is right now. Don't get me wrong. I still don't get how the stay at home mama's do it some days. I really think that I am meant to be a working mom. But my kind of work involves every ounce of my undivided attention. I'm not saying that other jobs don't- I know they do- I'm saying I can't handle splitting my time. And for ME to admit that.... is big. I don't admit defeat. I'm usually dead before I give up at something. I haven't given up yet. But I'm very close to surrender.
This school year is the hardest I've had yet. The demands keep growing. My kids need me more than I can imagine. My school kids are challenging. The constraints on my job are challenging. I'm tired. VERY tired. I've worked with crazy people before. I've had difficult classes before. I've never wanted out before. I don't know what's so different. I really can't put my finger on it. I do know that I don't enjoy what I'm doing right now. I realize that about half of the working world feels that way every day. But in some weird way, I've never had this feeling. I consider myself lucky that for the last seven years, I WANTED to go to work most days. I enjoyed making a difference. Now, I feel like a robot. I feel like everything I do is so un-genuine (yes, I know- I'm making it up as I go along).
So.... what to do? Who the hell knows? What DO I want to do when I grow up? What skills do I have? Would I enjoy the corporate pace? I think I would definitely enjoy the corporate paycheck. Could I keep up? Should I sell my house and my possessions and try to do the stay at home thing? Should we move to South Dakota? Okay. not there. But somewhere crazy? My kids are little. Perhaps I should have done this before the were born- but now? I still have time before they to go school. Why do I feel so lost?
Every time I confront this subject- I feel more lost. I end with more questions then I begin. It makes my head hurt. a lot. Please, PLEASE tell me there is someone out there that feels or has felt this way? Then provide me with the answer. Or at least some advice for working through it. I'm so stuck in my funk- and it's not me- so I need to get out.
Can't wait to hear some advice!