How do you keep moving when you're exhausted, irritable and you feel like you can't keep going? I think you just have to deal. It's so much easier said than done, but eventually the pain will life, the sleep will come and things will get done. That's the only way I know- but every once in awhile, I get this feeling-bad-for-myself cloud stuck over my head when I'm really absorbed and I feel like the only person on the planet who has tried to take on all that I do. Of course, I do realize that I have voluntarily signed up for everything I have been dealt. I agree to be a working mom, to take on extra responsibilities at work, to have two beautiful kids (even if one doesn't sleep!) and try to keep the homes you see in magazines. Unfortunately, the last usually drops of the priority list along with sleep, but you see the point. Some days, you just don't.know.how.to.start.
So, today was definitely one of those days. Our school has had state tests for the last two weeks, and finished with report cards and conferences this week. To end the week, our team held a read-a-thon sleep over for the one hundred fifth graders we teach (yes, you read right- 100!) It was awesome, but required so much planning and time I think my husband wants to kill me. I'm also on the negotiations committee for our current employment contract and the meetings are long and mentally straining. After getting about 5 hours of sleep on Friday night (on a deflated air matress) I came home at 9:00 on Saturday morning to two bouncy-kids who were ready to run a marathon! All I wanted to do was crawl under the covers. I was okay mentally, but physically, I was dying for a few more hours of shut eye. Thankfully, my mother in law forced me to sleep for one additional hour before we prepared to drive an hour and half to a baby shower. I usually love family events and fun, but yesterday, it was everything I could do to keep my eyes open. I felt like I was being rude, no matter how hard I tried not to. I left and kept my eyes on the road during the commute home and crashed and burned by 8:30 last night.
I begged Mason to sleep- even if only for four hours in row, but somehow, he found a way to wake up at 11:00, 1:30, 3:00 and 5:30. Good times. I know babies are babies. I know the mommies with teenagers (or even older children) will tell you to cherish those moments- but when you're tired, you're bitter, and annoyed. I felt frustrated. With myself, with my baby, with my craptastic job of being a good mom. How do you sit a chair and rock at 3:00 am when you're beyond exhausted and soak in those moments? So, I awoke (barely) this morning to feeling hungover, annoyed and stressed out. My agenda included lesson plans, grocery shopping, cleaning out closets and maybe a walk. I have accomplished none of that. Thankfully, my mom agreed to take my duo for an hour and I got a massage. Hell yes! I do feel better- a lot actually, because right before I left, I was reading one of my favorite blogs, Momastery. Glennon asked her Monkies to read a post. Ya know how you read posts like this and automatically feel like a jerk? Yes- I do. But then I realized that I'm not a jerk, because I am lucky. I just need to take time in my hectic, self-imposed schedule to smell the roses. I am lucky I am alive. I am lucky to have two kids. I am lucky they are healthy. I am lucky to have a job. I am lucky to have a husband. I am lucky to have a house. I am lucky I can do what I want and choose to create a busy schedule for myself. So even though I feel overwhelmed, I need to remember how lucky I am.
We are all so lucky.